We Don’t Miss the Person, We Miss the Feelings
I feel like only a handful of people will really know what I’m trying to say here, while the rest may not understand, and even some may think I’m being naive or misguided. But to those of you who do understand, I think you’ll really hit home with this one.
How many times have you gone through a bad breakup? Once? Twice? If you’re really unlucky, three or more?
And following that breakup, how long did you wait before you tried to “move on”?
Like I’ve said time and time before, with the rise of online dating, that “recovery period” as we might call it, has become shorter and shorter.
Too often do we spend those lonely nights remembering him or her, thinking of what “used to be”. We think we miss them, but the better part of us usually is able to talk ourselves out of calling him or her in the middle of the night.
Over time, as this urge fades, the “longing” for again, what “used to be”, becomes less pervasive in our day to day thoughts, and we begin to have what we might consider a “normal life” again.
But then a funny thing happens, and this really depends on how you approached this whole “break up” thing, as well. If you took the route I took, where you decided that it’s best to wait for the next relationship, to “take your time”, you start to forget about the things you once shared with a person you used to share everything with.
The things you used to do together, now become things you do by yourself, or with friends, family, and coworkers.
Maybe you start to meet new people, explore new areas, expand yourself and your interests into areas you never once gave a thought to previously.
But here’s where that funny little thing comes into play. One day, this little thought comes into your mind, and it’s quite one that’s hard to ignore. You begin to think as if you can’t recognize yourself.
And I don’t mean this in a bad way necessarily, though it certainly can mean that. No, rather I mean it in such a way that when you compare yourself to who you are now, what you’re doing, the people you’re meeting, the experiences you’re having, they don’t compare to who you were before.
You begin to wonder, was the person you were before, was that you? Or is the person I am today, is this really me? This contradiction between what “was” and what “is” begins to be so distinct, you can’t help but give attention to it all.
Then, for me, it begins to hit in waves. You don’t want to lose who you were, but the only way to retain those memories of who you were is to then go back to the memories of who they were experienced with.
And that’s when I think there comes an important thing to remember.
You don’t miss the person, you miss the feelings.
Depending on how long you stayed with this person, maybe a lot happened to you in your life. Maybe you graduated college, you got that job you worked so hard for, you bought a new house, it really doesn’t matter. If you had one or more major life event in the time you were with this person, it’s sometimes hard to look back at these memories and forget who they were experienced with.
But once again, that’s when it’s important to make that distinction.. do you miss the person, or do you miss the feelings associated with that person? And I can guarantee you, it’s almost always the latter.
But how do we fight these feelings? How do we stop ourselves from feeling these feelings?
The simple answer is: We don’t.
We’re not gonna stop ourselves from reminiscing on the past. It’s part of our human nature. Though, as I said, the hardest part is making that distinction: do we miss the person or the feelings?
And sometimes that urge, that pull, it can be so strong. When we crave those feelings we might do one of two things: 1. we seek to fulfill those feelings with someone else or 2. we give into them and try to reach back out to our past lovers.
Both of which I think are 2 plans doomed to fail. Because the problem with taking either one of those approaches is that you’ve lost and become a slave to your emotions.
When you give in, essentially, what you’re telling yourself is that your feelings control who you are and what you do. And to be a creature controlled solely on your emotions, feelings, and desires, often leads to some poor and later regretted decisions.
So yeah, you’re gonna feel down sometimes, you’re gonna feel lonely, and in those dark moments, sometimes, the only things you can think of were the “good times”, but that’s just it. They were good times, but they’re not the times you’re in now.
Because, if you’re really trying to grow yourself as a stronger and better person, you should know…
There are much better times waiting for you.
thanks for reading,
Originally published at http://newagelessons.com on November 12, 2019.